Some of my Phone Machine Messages:

I produced my own phone machine messages on my 4-track for about 10 years, and I also used my NeXT to help edit up the sounds as well. Sadly, the fun stopped when we moved to Brooklyn and got a different kind of phone machine.
Here's a selection from my extant collection of these messages. Don't try to call me at that phone number I mention (or sing) - I'm several numbers distant in the future from them.
At the beginning of every year, I made up an outgoing message out of interesting bits of the incoming messages I'd recorded over the previous year.

"You have too much time on your hands. You must be unemployed at this point."
- D. Ashbaugh.

Now in glorious stereo Mp3 format! Most were recorded in the full fidelity afforded by semi-pro equipment!
Some of these are pretty generic - if you use them, send me some email so I can call it myself and leave a message.

1987

May 14, 1987: Fine music
featuring a Flexatone. This was a kind of a parody of a WNYC house ad.

1988

Sometime in 1988: Crystals
Hammered dulcimer. Don't harsh my mellow.
May 25, 1988: The Pansy In My Garden
A Classic Parlor Song, not.
Dec 28, 1988: 1988 Incoming Message Highlights

1989

June 15, 1989: In the Woods
All animals produced by me and my home-made harmonizer, HARM.
Nov 26,1989: Tex Avery
A message inspired by LITTLE RURAL RIDING HOOD. One of a number of two-headed messages I made.

1990

Sometime in 1990: Highlights of 1989
Sometime in 1990: Hiding Under The Bed
Sometime in 1990: Slow Talkers
Inspired by Bob & Ray's Slow Talkers of America skit. Another two header.

1991

Sometime in 1991: Good and Bad Conscience
A two header that's especially good in stereo.
(undated)Two Heads
Eponymous! "Kate's" referred to here, is Kate's Art Supply, which had a similar number to mine.
Dec 27, 1991: Highlights of 1991

1992

Jun 22, 1992: TMBG Parody
Lyrics:
You keep calling me up but I'm never at home!
Or I'm ignoring your call 'cause I'm in a bad mood
John: Why don't you leave a message for me? John: Why not leave it?
John: What could it cost you anyway? John: Why not leave it?
John: Why don't you leave a message for me? John: Why not leave it?
John: After the beep? John: After the beep?
John: After the beep? John: After the beep?
John: After the beep? John: After the beep?

Sometime in 1992: Phone Jungle
A more electronic jungle exploration. Noises feature a DX7 tuned to the touch tone frequencies.

 We take you now on  a safari in the electronic jungle
    in little-explored 212-675-6046
 Nestling in this mountain of floppy disks, we find the
  rare "boinkus analogus"...
 Over here, the "telephonus dialtonii" is busying itself...
 And now, the warning signal of the "Machina Answerae" ...

1993

Jan 2, 1993: Highlights of 1992
Mar 14, 1993: Drumming Circle In the Woods
".. and Bing Crosby reincarnation ritual".
Jun 13, 1993: Robeson Gospel
I lowered my voice just a bit, but I can really sing like that.
Lyrics:
I'm goin' where the mighty cannot phone!
I'm goin' where the mighty cannot phone!
Where the good Lord battles Satan,
Where the angels use call waitin',
So leave a message after that Heav'nly tone!
July 30, 1993: Beach Boys I
I like this one, but it was too long for the machine. I'm a fan of Brian Wilson, It was fun to do a pastiche like this.
Lyrics:
How can I just hang around at home?
How can I just let summer go?
What with the beach, the sand, the sun -
Surfin' the Internet's no fun!.
If you want to get in touch with me,
Leave a message and eventually
I'll call.
July 31, 1993: Beach Boys II
This is the one I ended up using
Nov 6, 1993Auto harp Anniversary
20 years of autoharpery. And the Arkansas Traveler, in honor of Bill Clinton.

1994

Jan 1, 1994: Highlights of 1993
May 25, 1994: Backward Beep
Sep 4, 1994: Sondheim parody
This is a Sondheim pastiche, circa COMPANY

Lyrics:
Talk to me!.
Even if I'm not here at home,
You can talk to me.
Messages on the phone are clear.
And tape is cheap, so listen for the beep.

1995

Jan 7, 1995: Highlights of 1994

Dennis Ashbaugh	It's Saturday night
Ben Lowengard	Sounds like David Lynch
Nik Williams	Hippie Afghan
Dennis Ashbaugh	And you have too much time on your hands
Dorian Devins	Boy, what a
Rachel Leinweber	cool message.
Nik Williams	Easy Listening
Dorian Devins	Hard Hitting , handsome and I'm sure, um, original
Nick Didkovsky	super duper
Arleen Schloss	Pretty funny
Nik Williams	Top 40
Mary Lowengard	It's definitely too weird
Michael Sansonia	Probably the best answering machine
Laurie Spiegel	Wow.
Julian Hyman	One of the longest and most annoying
Peter Schmideg	probably the weirdest
Sarah Lowengard	one sick
Peter Schmideg	message
Sarah Lowengard	message
Rachel Leinweber	message
Julian Hyman	Phone messages I've ever heard.
Peter McClard	And I actually understood a few of 'em
Dennis Ashbaugh	You must be unemployed at this point.
Hugh Crawford	The beep - is that sorta like the Hague?

Mar 2, 1995: Bacharach "Swinger" parody
Lyrics:
A mink for Janet, a drink with Jane,
And bracelets for Jenny and Joan!
New music for the stereo!
No wonder I can't get the phone!
A world of women revolves for me,
so crazy I can't even sleep!
The old black book's through,
But I've got one new!
So, leave your name after the beep!

Aug 30, 1995: Steve Post turns 39
I used this when I turned 39. I'm not on this recording, but the back story is that Larry Josephson was having an unfocused morning on his radio show one day and I called him up off the air to tell him that it was Post's birthday, and that cheered him up. Which is a big deal for Larry Josephson.
Oct 10, 1995: Miserlou played on autoharp and kazoo.
In honor of PULP FICTION.
Dec 6, 1995: Parakeet
Hello, Baby? Want a Kiss?

1996

Jan 11, 1996: Highlights of 1995
July 14, 1996: Aguas De Marco Parody
featuring my newly engaged fiancée, Nancy Graham. We later really learned the words in Portuguese and sang it at the Loser's Lounge, Valentine's Day 1997.

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Henry Lowengard, jhhl-at-panix.com /324 Wall St. Apt 5 / Kingston NY 12401/ © 2024 Henry Lowengard